Insulting Astrology

I am having a horrible day so since I really should be doing something better with my time I am going to make this instead. Based on fifteen years of careful observation of people of different astrological signs and lots of reading of astrology blogs and books. Yay. Obviously, astrological signs are not something you should take that seriously. I always tell people that a. astrology is like the weather, might help to look into it but it should not define your life, and b. often not accurate since what is actually in the sky is not what astrologers are even using. So for this purpose I am talking about a person's "astrological sign" as dictated by their birthday and not by what is actually in the sky; the kind of thing you'd read about in a newspaper. These are possible tendencies in people born at certain times of the year. POSSIBLE. For more flattering depictions of the signs, especially if you wish to become more like one of them (the one you think is coolest or whatever) go read something else.

The Signs, Mostly Insulted

Now with typical quotations and epithets for each. Reminder: do not take this seriously, this is a joke at everyone's expense, astrology is not a science

Aries
Oh Here We Fucking Go
Really just a mess
Let's go thataway
Basic as fuck, but generally likeable. They make being basic fun because it's clear they appreciate the basic things and aren't just being basic to go along with a crowd. Ego the size of a small galaxy. Their zest for life is enormous. In some cases their zest for cherishing life, and even religion, is also enormous. Loud, brash, and the center of their own universe, they will get angry at you if you prove to them that is not the case. Not generally out to harm anyone and generally kind, they will however steamroller over anyone who gets in their way and not really think twice about it. Often leaps before looking and can make serious mistakes before they mature enough to understand the nature of risks worth taking vs not worth taking. Impatient to an extreme, almost everything in their lives is preferred fast, extreme, and risky. May come across as a total asshole for the first few years you know them, but they usually aren't really. Really in your face. Often loves flashy fun stuff, especially electronics. Likes to be where the action is, and can also be aggressive at times. Often blatantly, arrogantly wrong. Might also have a very big shy streak and not let anyone truly close to them for literal decades. Tends to be the kind of person you want on your side, because they come through for their friends when they're in a pinch.
Taurus
Roids
Problem? Let us decorate it and invite it into our home
No. The answer is no. It is always going to be no.
Hoarding problem. Friends, nice things, money, alliances, their own personal safety and comfort, their comfort zone and habits (no matter how healthy or unhealthy) and food. Relies on instincts and on what they know is safe and makes them happy, which is good, but only in moderation. Otherwise their healthy amassing of goodies and pleasure and nice things can turn into something that looks like a Black Friday stampede or an over-decorated living room with everything covered in doilies and knickknacks. You can go too far with a survival instinct and a desire for happiness; too far with the animal side of human nature. Just enough however and everyone around and including the Taurus is gonna be happy. Likes nice things, but has a very hard time getting a grip on the truth. In some cases can be brilliant, creative, and imaginative in equal measures, with a very unique and fascinating way of looking at life. Tends to be very chill and relaxed and down-to-earth unless they are made uncomfortable in which case all bets are off. Can push friends and family away with a selfish me-first attitude and then wonder what went wrong, until (if?) they realize it was their doing. Can't function well without regular square meals and possibly also snacks. In particular has a hard time not lying to themselves, sometimes for years. Very reliable workers. Can be good friends in some cases. Usually needs a kick in the ass to not be a lazy couch blob. Might be great with animals. Total romantic, but can get all tangled in knots over romance, especially within their own heads. Usually likes the color green and/or teal, and is said to have a rapport with the Earth and with nature, but oddly enough might not be a big fan of actually going camping because of the lack of comfort. Has way too much respect for authority and rules, almost instinctively, and this must sometimes be unlearned.
Gemini
Complicated
Steps On Mousetraps (that they put down a month ago)
Argh! Fuck! Argh! Fuck!
Confusing as fuck. Mostly harmless. Tendency of hurting themselves and sometimes others with decisions they don't understand. A bowl of fun but with so many different facets of their personality they can push away potential friends and acquaintances with the inconsistency. Take your time getting to know a Gemini. Stay away from Geminis if you are not a people person because where there's a Gemini there's usually a massive social network and they never. stop. talking. Also, they often have difficulty staying focused and may need assistance with understanding stuff. Mature Geminis can have an interesting mix of complexity and intelligence, and have a tendency of tying together a whole lot of people in a good way. Also of being such hard and consistent workers that they are relied upon without people even thinking twice about it. Immature Geminis are an absolute fucking mess and can use people as mere toys. Of all the signs, Gemini might need extensive education the most, as they have a really bad tendency of thinking they have it all figured out but also being absolutely fucking clueless. Worse, they often spread uneducated misinformation and half-truths in their massive friend groups because of their incessant communication. Geminis are at their worst when they're selfish, fickle, and so intolerant of criticism that they hurt the innocent. The ones that have an understanding of true loyalty are the best Geminis. You'll probably never get rid of them, but you also won't want to.
Cancer
Plague
This person exists.
Go away I'm going home I'm never coming out of my home, don't even ask
Never stops brooding, damn it. Illogical, irrational, and incomprehensible most of the time, and makes up for it with insight the rest of the time. Probably the one in the Zodiac that needs therapy the most, mainly to be better at being the therapist for their entire friend and family group which they probably already are. They'll doubly need therapy if their mothers are/were abusive or if they didn't have a great relationship with theirs. Can have serious problems with self-esteem, probably due to all that overwhelming emotion. Mentally, they have this tendency of being both complex and brilliant, but such brilliance can lead to confusion and mental issues if they don't learn to manage it. They might need a thorough grounding in psychology. The worst ones among Cancers are the two-faced ones that pretend to be caring and considerate but really only are looking out for themselves out of a mix of survival instinct and denial; these ones eventually find out that being that way means you have no real friends, just friends of convenience and a slow accumulation of personal and social issues as time goes on. Bless them, though, they usually are trying to be better and do better. They are at their best when working in a career field that they love. Spending time near large natural bodies of water helps them work through their issues. Like Leos, can be intolerant of criticism, but unlike Leos, are even more likely to shoot themselves in the foot like this as they are not nearly as self-sufficient (sorry, Cancers). They can withdraw into their little hidey-holes forever if they're not dragged out, which is really bad for mental health, so they should probably force themselves to get back in touch with the friends and family that actually are worth keeping in touch with. And/or socialize in a non-confrontational social situation such as (post pandemic) a cafe.
Leo
Loud
Louie Louie, no no no nonono
Uh oh.
Will always stop you in the middle of important work to show you some random video on their phone. Must have friends or gets very upset. Gets very upset at criticism of said friends even if said friends are Kevorkian, Hitler, and Stalin. Also loud, brash, and the center of their own universe, but not as much of an asshole about it as Aries. Can wreak havoc to protect their own. Generally nice. Must avoid getting into relationships that are supposedly just casual, since their hearts are big, mushy, romantic, and generally more fragile than they look. Leos are far too loyal for their own good, especially with romance, and can settle for less than what they deserve. This is absolutely horrible for them. They can usually 'make it' on their own as adults and do the adulting thing with relative ease compared to other signs. Tendency to have very, very, very messy living spaces. They earn a lot of money and spend a lot of money and really need to talk to a financial advisor. Usually can't take criticism very well or at all, especially when the criticism happens to be correct. Seems to have a sunny outlook a lot of the time, even to the point of ignoring things they don't want to pay attention to in an effort to be happy no matter what the cost. Stubborn, prideful, and surprisingly sentimental, they really like comfort and their own comfort zones. Sometimes this means they are closedminded and selfish, but luckily for the rest of the Zodiac these folks are quite capable of learning, changing, growing and becoming better. Like Taurus in that they may also need a kick in the ass to get off their butts and go do what needs to be done. Leos also can work to the point of exhaustion and seem to think they're invincible. They're not. They have to remember to pace themselves and take breaks! Often loves big screen TVs. Even the worst Leos tend to still have at least somewhat good hearts. People usually tend to pick up on this and therefore most Leos are popular. They are all pyromaniacs.
Virgo
Stick Up The Ass
Way too hard on themselves holy shit
Blah blah blahblahblahblahblah
Just smart enough to make unethical decisions and rationalize them away. Usually total assholes. Completely allergic to all criticism no matter how justified, which usually makes the people around them either not bring up the critical issues ever or walk away permanently. Can actually have mental problems, and is the most prone to them out of the entire Zodiac; these can also affect physical health. Nitpicking, list-making, overly detailed fussy worrywarts, and the worst part is that they often don't worry about things like right and wrong, priorities such as family and happiness, just worthless bullshit. These stubborn bastards can obsess over anything, usually to their total ruination. Huge streak of being addicted to control, and that works out well if they do so in a wise and well-educated fashion, and very badly if they plow on ahead without listening to criticism or doing their homework and research first. If you can manage to persuade one to get to a therapist regularly then they'll probably be less of a headache. They are often misunderstood in the workplace due to poor communication skills but usually are absolutely amazing at their jobs. This can get them fired or the victim of workplace politics with regularity. Therefore self-employment or employment in a field reliant entirely on merit instead of people skills may be their best bet. Can be fantastic chefs, gardeners, or medical professionals. Spirituality or philosophies that involve relinquishing the illusion of control can shrink their oversized egos and might assist them to be less insufferable. Another major reason why Virgos can suck is because they often think they suck and have awful self-esteem, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Therefore again, therapy is helpful. It's debatable who needs therapy more, Virgo or Cancer, but they both desperately need it, regularly. They have a tendency of not fully understanding themselves or their own motivations either, possibly due to shyness, or inner complexity; there is a lot going on with Virgos. Virgos must guard against the tendency to assume that just because they know a little bit about a subject, they are therefore experts in it and can speak with authority. They can be really self-righteous and judgmental when talking about a subject they care about without actually knowing what the fuck they're talking about. The more education they can get, the better, if only to avoid being an armchair expert. They also have to work on accepting as well as acting on advice and criticism instead of just constantly thinking they know it all. Virgos usually must undergo serious personal change in order to live well. They also must seek wisdom. I have heard that Virgos can be pillars of the community, loyal and loving, and paragons of compassionate service in noble causes but I only know of one or two like that. Most others I stay away from for reasons you now know.
Libra
Library
Thinkingndponderingandthinkingandobsessing
You have got to be fucking kidding me
Too nice. Bad. Bad for them and bad for the unfortunates who have to deal with their endless yes-men attitude. Libra can sometimes develop a dark side, which is rather unnatural for them and they hate it, and thus can take it out on whoever brings it out. They will gladly repay what you give them, so if you're nice to them, you're safe, and if you're not, you get what you pay for. They are quite, quite fair, but this doesn't seem fair to people who don't want to deal with the truth especially if it's unflattering or unpleasant to them personally. This is likely where the bad reputation of Libras comes from as they're kind of like the mirror sign of the Zodiac and a lot of people don't exactly understand the notion of personal accountability so would rather play the blame game on the sign that seems the nicest... then wonder why it all went wrong. That being said, immature Libras that never bothered to think for themselves, change, challenge themselves, and develop an inner voice and individual thought process/personality as opposed to just go with the flow - those are scary. Integration with their negative tendencies through psychological shadow work that is controlled and dark, not evil, only is great for them. Tendency to get taken advantage of; Libras have to grow a spine somehow. Will need therapy if they have/had an abusive father and/or authority figures. Abundant education, study, and big brain developing type stuff is great for Libras and they often love to learn. Since they love their friends, family members, and romantic partners so much, they often have a history of heartbreak and being used. They must learn to love themselves and being alone, possibly more than all the other signs of the Zodiac. Their love of social niceties, daintiness (or order, or some other tasteful things, depending on ther aesthetic tastes), nice things, beauty, courtesy, femininity (yes, even Libra men), and polish often get taken for weakness by those who underestimate them. This can become internalized, with the Libra taking their softness for weakness, but they must know that it is not that at all but a strength and a virtue. They kind of need to be protected. They must never throw pearls before swine. Also learning all methods of self-defense is a must. Libras that have been abused can be legendary in their quest for vengeance. They do not like any kind of toxicity or unfairness, heck even unpleasantness, and generally don't go out of their way to start a fight. In fact, they're usually pushovers, so if they are pushed too far, they have really been pushed to their limit or beyond. They don't just like their freedom, they absolutely love their freedom; try to restrict them too much and you will not be around them much longer. That said they can be lacking in self-discipline, which can really destroy them long term, so they have to work on that. Never tell a Libra that they are being unfair unless you are absolutely certain, have dissected the situation and viewed it from all angles, and thought about their argument in great detail for longer than 24 hours and preferably several months, because chances are they've thought about the morals, ethics, and issues related to the situation for literal years before you stumbled across it and made a stupid snap judgment. The sense of idealism and fairness in relationships in Libras is often so strong that upon meeting a kind and open-minded person, they'll often become super polite and engage in "civilized" behavior even if they're normally a hellion. Politeness and polish is actually a comfort zone thing for Libras, and the nice thing is that they're sincere about it. That's also the really awful thing about it because since they're sincere about being nice and very few people are, they'll drag you through hell if you want them to engage with toxic nonsense, such as gossip, laughing at people's pain, or other supposedly harmless human foibles that when you look at them closely are actually evil. Their idealism comes with teeth. Like Aquarius, if you somehow made a Libra angry, you really fucked up. Unlike Aquarius, if you made a Libra angry, you are definitely going to pay for it. They often like hanging out on the top floors of buildings, mountains, and hilltops.
Scorpio
Entity (of some sort)
Scurrying little creature
"..."
Usually quite nice, or avoids you, and in either case it's not that bad. Undeserved reputation for being jerks. They tend to chill and not waste time with unnecessary drama; in fact they can be a little ruthless with cutting people and situations out of their lives that are deemed too dramatic, but this is a quick and minimally fussy process indeed. I have heard of the 'vengeful and vindictive Scorpio' trope, but I've never seen it and I suspect that trope came about because people thought that Scorpios could handle anything and ladled crap on them so I don't think it really fits. Also they really don't seem to care about their reputations whatsoever. They seem to be the best at prioritizing what is truly important out of the entire Zodiac, probably because they so often think about and come to grips with extremes. Sometimes the other 'counselor type' in the Zodiac, besides Cancer. Can be a real danger to themselves with their emotional extremes however, until they come to grips with their own minds and psychology. Can go overboard with emotionalism and extremes to the point of ignoring practical stuff or even start getting drunk on emotions. Might benefit from creative pursuits such as art. People may not like Scorpios very much because of a tendency to explore taboo or extreme subjects with discussion and thought, because people make the mistake of associating these safer explorations with the actual things themselves. Halloween is a holiday in the middle of Scorpio. Like Halloween? Might like Scorpios. Most Scorpios are inscrutable, impossible to fully understand, and strange. Although if they live in the Midwest or some other flyover area they put up a really good front of being plain. The most blunt sign of the Zodiac, even more blunt than Aries and Virgo, they can be absolutely scathing with their words, which are usually spot-on. This can come across as cruel, but most Scorpios think that living in delusion or denial is far more cruel than facing the truth, no matter how ugly, so they just spit it out. Most of the time no one wants to hear it. Insightful, wise, and usually fairly smart, it's wise to listen to the Scorpio. I have seen something interesting about the Scorpios I've known. When in a toxic and bad situation, they often suffer in silence to watch, wait, and learn. Then they remove themselves, and later on bitch about it to their friends or if need be take intelligent, well-considered action. Or just forget about it. They are very much a "life well lived is the best revenge" type of folks, in my experience.
Sagittarius
Saag Paneer
Where is my sandwich?!
Why is life happening to me I specifically did not sign up for this
Thinks they're a lot smarter and nicer than they actually are, or alternatively are humble. Luck of the draw: they're either really horrible people or really good people and nothing in between. The difference might be a spirituality or philosophy that is from the heart instead of performative. Sagittarius is said to improve personality-wise as they age. Often addicted to over-optimistic mindsets and an overly high opinion of themselves, which thankfully can be dealt with if they get enough of a high quality education and life experience. Can be superficial, vapid, and exerting effort to pretend to be dumber than they are in order to fit in so that life goes more smoothly for them. This is absolutely terrible for them but they usually don't find out until it's too late... or ever. Sagittarius must figure out who they are first, and then be true to themselves no matter how uncomfortable it gets. Travel can help. At their absolute worst, Sagittarius can be bitchy, manipulative, sociopathic, narcissistic, and straight-up evil in an attempt to let the good times roll forever, but the really bad part is the way in which they do it; they take for granted that they're just doing what's "normal and expected of them" because they are going along with a crowd. A non-unique Sagittarius, as well as a Sagittarius that refuses to be without some kind of social validation, is an enormous red flag. Another red flag? A Sagittarius with an addictive personality. They have a void that must be filled with meaning and purpose for their souls, often something like religion, education, or philosophy, and if they aren't mature enough to seek it out, they fill it with mindless crap. In fact they can often engage with religion, education, philosophy, or some other purpose in a stupid superficial way also, in such a way that they are all style and flash and no substance - extremely annoying because they'll often make the biggest noise about it and demand that everyone join them in their idiot party, until (if) they grow the fuck up. Social pressures and a difficulty with tearing themselves away from the crowd to find their true paths, plus potential fear of being alone, can make this kind of thing really hard for Sagittariuses to cope with... so many don't. They also may have a tendency of being a basic bitch, but unlike Aries, which finds new meaning and excitement in the ordinary, is pretty fucking unhealthy for the Sagittarius, which can stagnate if they stay in the same place or stay stuck in the same rut for too long. The lack of exploration can create a dogmatic, bored-out-of-their gourd, miserable chud, perhaps even a racist bigot that never leaves their hometown and pretends it's "great" in order to cope. To avoid this they can find new things in the ordinary or grow some balls and try something new. Nature is always renewing herself so outdoor recreation is a good hobby for a Sagittarius. So is continuing higher education, and continual exploration and/or adventure of any kind. Sagittarius might have a lot of difficulty and trouble finding the right mix of stuff in their lives to make a harmonious blend, but those who have managed it are generally inspirations to many.
Capricorn
King of Anthill
I am God
Likeable enough until you find out they're looking out for number one and no one else, and expect everyone else to be the same way. Can be ruthless and even sociopathic, often without even realizing what they're doing since they're so focused on achieving success for - again - number one. At their best, they're the coolest of the cool, helpful to the rest of humanity, and incredibly inspirational, like David Bowie and Isaac Newton. Often their egotism/narcissism/selfishness is a front for whatever mess they're dealing with on the inside, which is both understandable and still wrong. Often too pessimistic and serious, causing them to lose out on opportunities, enjoyments, and fantastic experiences. Can be way too focused on the material world at the expense of everything else. Can be far too ambitious for their own good and their true priorities, which they often miss out on actually noticing until many years later. In fact they might be so gifted at actually doing things, usually super serious and boring things, in the exterior world that they pay no attention to what is actually going on within themselves until they've wasted a lot of precious time they can never get back. Mature, complicated, unique, very strange and mysterious. At their worst, they're evil. Often, everything in their lives can take a back seat to their careers, ambitions, or other brainweird-fed aspiration, even if it kills them or breaks their hearts. This is because of all the signs Capricorn can be the most completely out of touch with their true motivations and priorities, so they must put lots of effort into introspection. Also, they can make stupid decisions because of being blinded by their egos. It is said that Capricorns often become better as they age. For the rest of the signs' sakes I fucking hope so. It honestly seems that Capricorns who embrace the weird and their own uniqueness make the best of their signs' positive attributes.
Aquarius
Aquarium of Fishy
"What?"
Odd dichotomy between putting themselves out there to benefit as many people as possible and keeping as many people as possible as far away from them as possible. Probably the least likely to cause drama; they kind of melt away at any hint of it and generally don't feed into it. They seem to like nonconfrontational discussion, especially of new ideas, and are the people you would rather listen to on social media instead of the know-it-all immature Geminis. They often have good ideas but are almost never dogmatic about them. They do value friendships and large groups and humanity as a whole, but they also value themselves as part of this whole, to the point that they can sometimes fail to understand anyone else because they're so wrapped up in their own heads. Can be surprisingly bad at consistency, steady hard work for a far-off goal, discipline, responsibility, follow-through and all the other stuff Capricorns are known for; can in fact be a superficial flake in some cases, and this might have something to do with the fact they're often in so many different friend groups and recreational large groups of people that they have offloaded the work (all or some of it) that was their personal responsibility onto someone else without really thinking twice about it. Actually not as publicly weird as their reputation for avant-garde stuff is, since they often are part of so many large groups of people and therefore right there in the mainstream, but privately, there's probably a lot of strange stuff going on. They seem to also have issues accepting any kind of gifts in return for the things they do for people. They can seem stuck up. They're generally not; not really. Hard to understand. Hard to pin down. Hard to stay in touch with. But generally nice. Of all the Zodiac signs they are probably the most difficult to get riled up. If you somehow manage to make an Aquarius mad at you, then you really fucked up.
Pisces
Mermaid Princess
Seriously what the fuck even am I
Like to think they're hard to understand but they really just like wallowing in pseudoscience and other bullshit. Until they grow the fuck up, and then they are still not hard to understand at a basic level but certainly have great imaginations. Might have outrageously impressive gifts in creative arts, psychic talents, or spirituality of any kind. Marked tendency towards drug problems and bad relationships. If you are a Pisces be very careful with these things. They often will idolize love and specific lovers way too much, but of course that's part and parcel of being the sign most associated with unconditional love and compassion. Tendency to withdraw from the world and not interact with friends and family that much; possibly to an unhealthy extent. Actually hates drama and scenes even more than Libras, to the point of running away from any and all forms of it and even engaging in dishonorable behavior such as escapism. The more stress a Pisces is under, the more they'll probably be tempted to avoid any kind of unpleasant duties, and this can cause disastrous consequences. Can have, like Taurus, serious issues with coming to grips with practical things and with reality as opposed to ideals or illusions. Another sign that doesn't like causing drama, but unlike Aquarius, can add crazy to the drama as well as add more drama if they're not in a good place. In a good place, though, they melt tensions between opposing factions and make everyone feel at ease, especially in a group or team. A little like Scorpio in that extreme situations can help them find answers within themselves, above all Pisces must develop good self-rapport, self-understanding and self-esteem. They seem to find a little bit of addiction in their lives unavoidable, and therefore it's probably best for them to find ones that are minimally harmful. Like Libra, can be seriously taken advantage of by people and needs to learn to stand up for themselves. Also needs protection, but unlike Libra, which needs it from other people, Pisces often needs to be protected from themselves as well as others. Many, if not most, Pisces are genuinely kindhearted and compassionate people.

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