In which I explain why it is probably in your best interest to do things that are incidentally beneficial to women, especially the women in your life
We might agree on one thing: Feminists are horrible. 3/8/24 (wow, wasn't intending to publish this on women's day / the date beavis and butthead came out, but here we are) Here's one thing I don't understand. Sure, chivalry is dead. Feminists killed it. But why would men willingly contribute to its demise? You disrespect yourself every bit as much as the woman you are denigrating every time you are a sexist jerk to a total stranger. You have the opportunity to literally be a good person, feel better about yourself with every interaction, instead of judge someone you've never met on the basis of something they have no control over instead of say, if they're a war criminal or not, or if they've got a good personality or not. Why throw that away? To be as superficial as the flaky women many men claim to hate?
Now I don't know much. I don't have studies explaining the differences between genders, or so much life experience dealing with people that I understand how social interactions work. But I do know this: I am disabled and can't get out of bed most days. And I can't do much as a result. And I fail to see how men trying to be more like me, more disabled, in any way benefits anyone. Who exactly does it benefit for you to be a great big baby who can't or won't cook, clean, or otherwise care for themselves? You know, that makes you like me. Weak and dependent on others for your needs. Though it might seem like a cushy gig, you know that old saying about how "if you want something done right, do it yourself"? There is a reason for that and it is the quality of care others give you. That reason is diversity of human needs and wants. No one can read your mind or have any idea what you want, when you want it. So if you say, are craving a tuna melt sandwich right now, whoever you would ask for it has no idea that you want it with celery and onion in it unless you tell them. Yeah, you could relay all that to them word for word, but the amount of time it'd take to explain it would outlast the time it takes to just make the darned sandwich yourself. They could have the best intentions, execution and follow-through in the world, but are not likely to please you much of the time because well, they are not you. Plus have you ever noticed how many needs you have in a 24-hour period? Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and all that? Imagine not being able to fulfill most of them due to sheer inability. That's putting yourself in my shoes. If you've been in the ER or been hospitalized, then you start to understand. Now imagine not being able to fulfill most of your needs because you for some reason chose not to. Why the fuck would you do that to yourself? Caring for your own needs yourself means that you get things done how you want them done. And speaking as someone with seriously limited mobility, oh let me tell you, that's extremely underrated.
Similarly, failing to take responsibility for everything in your life that you actually are responsible for fobs off your power to someone else. Now, they're the ones calling the shots. Now, they're the ones making the decisions for you. That old saying about how "with great power comes great responsibility" has a flip side, "with great responsibility comes great power." I don't know what it is, but I've seen people of all genders claiming "I can't change anything! I'm powerless, help me!" when that's totally bullshit and honestly annoying to see in people who have never had physical or mental disability. You're only shooting yourself in the foot that way. Think about it.
1/17/23 Historically, it's possible that gender roles sprang up in various areas not just to enslave women to make men's lives easier, as Feminists so often yammer on about (and are right in the case of Iran right now), but also for several other reasons. Such as to keep women safe, keep them from having to over-exert themselves plowing fields (and if you've ever done this by hand you know why that's an issue), to ensure that by dying in battle or otherwise risking your life and getting PTSD and going through the hell that is protecting your family and country you ensure that THEY don't have to, and so on. (I say this from annoying experience of watching men do grueling tasks day in and day out physically and not get worn out and watching women do the same and absolutely getting burned out, in my family, in my community, etc. so this isn't exactly scientific but it is my experience.) Most importantly there are things in life that are considered NSFL, not safe for life, which are so horrible that you want to prevent other people from going through these things, particularly the innocent, and for some reason both Feminist folks and Chauvinist folks seem to think that women are by definition also innocent... (news flash: no, but on the whole women do seem to be less bloodthirsty and eager to stir up trouble, so there might be a grain of truth to that) These are not inconsequential. In fact it's very likely that historically the reason for gender roles was plain old protection of the bearers of life, such that the non-bearers of life would go risk their lives so the tribe wouldn't die out. Here's a nasty insight. Childbirth is by definition (until medical science fixes this) as brutal and traumatic as war. Yet for some reason human society with gender roles in it has this habit of coddling women until they have to face childbirth. It doesn't work. It doesn't prepare them. Realistically though, what could? I don't know but it's important to solve this problem and fast. Also, nowhere in my own experience or my educated guesses about history does it indicate that believing women are intellectually inferior to men has any evidence behind it (or legitimate historic reasons for that kind of thing). Physically, sure, if you're using grueling extended physical labor and "muscle" as the metric. Mentally, no. I'm pretty certain at this point that as a species, gender irrelevant, we've been dumb for a long time and the younger generations seem to be getting smarter with each generation.
1/17/23 One more insight for the road. I think that sexism was the major reason why we got the Boomers. Women "in their place," picking up after, doing everything for, enslaved to their husbands and children... plus having way too many childern back to back to back... we uh, almost lost our democracy thanks to the entitlement of the resultant brats. And I know I'm not wrong about this.
Specific things that men are often conditioned to be terrible at, and therefore many of you really, really suck at these things:
Learn these things and re-empower yourself. Ask women you know to help you here and you'll learn a ton.
If you don't want to have the kind of drama a stereotypical woman brings into your life, specifically believing in dogma blindly without a shred of logical thought, being totally out of control with your mind and over-emotional, being petty, stupid, manipulative, hypocritical, inconsistent, self-contradictory, and vindictive, then my dude, do not be that way yourself either (laughing at myself here, I certainly have such problems and I am working on them, but in my defense Lyme disease is known to make you crazy... why would you want to be like me, again?). In particular if you happen to be sexist for religious reasons, or perhaps cultural-background reasons that came from religious reasons, you should probably examine where those beliefs come from in your mind, like, trace their origins, because religion is basically the opposite of science and in many cases also the opposite of the truth. Like attracts like and misery loves company and all that. Yikes. Firstly, learn science for real, and if you think science is a dogma not a tool then you learned it wrong. Logic also, and ethics; keep up this learning for life as it's not intuitive at all. Heck while you're at it just learn everything you can and keep it up to avoid Boomer Brain. Secondly, therapy! Get therapy, keep it up. It also certainly can't hurt to consistently throughout life learn about mental health and its upkeep.
You know that old saying about how to assume makes an ass out of U and Me? Well, all genders are guilty of making sexist assumptions overmuch. The real question here is how much sexism within YOUR mind makes sense from a scientific standpoint. Just because a lot of people believe in something doesn't make it true. You got any assumptions about women and men and their differences? You really care that much about it? Help me out here and either set up an official well constructed social science study, or find such studies and try to make the whole world know about them. If we're going to have a battle of the sexes, let's at least make it logical. I do plan to find such studies in future, but frankly right now, 6/28/22, damn i'm tired.
I do have some limited experience, and it tells me that sexist people who mistreat a different gender as a result of sexism (no matter how supposedly justified, accidental, or intentional) have too much drama and too many fucking problems in their lives. Especially when it comes to relationships with said people. I mean, how can you really be in love or have a healthy relationship if the power dynamic is constantly a power struggle instead of a collaboration? Sounds like a recipe for one big knock-down drag-out fight, and when you come home from work, who the fuck wants that? And no matter what gender you are, if you find yourself being a single parent, can you really say it's a great idea to never learn what both genders know? I mean, by the time you are a single parent, it's probably too late to learn, and that's the worst part. Also it's been my personal experience that the more sexist a person is the less good they are at critical thinking and usage of logic. They certainly like to use and hear logic until the conclusions coming out of said logical reasoning no longer are what they want to hear and then out come the temper tantrums, the moving goalposts, the whataboutisms, the self-delusion and denial, the doublethink, and all the other stuff we've come to notice about Qanon cultist behavior. Hmmm. Keep your eyes open and see what you see and if it matches up with my experience.
In some cases and some families and relationships that are totally focused on "traditional gender roles" for that particular area, it's a pretty good thing to remember that if you want to go all in with that, there are strings attached. In order to have the other party adhere to their traditional gender roles without everything going straight to shit, you have to fulfill your end of the bargain completely. In fact, I'd even say that in a lot of cases Feminism sprang up after the men in a given area fucked up their traditional gender roles. How so? Well, let's say you want to protect a woman and bring home the bacon and be a supportive husband and father. There's a difference between taking care of a woman and a family and "taking care of" a woman and a family with fists and/or putting her/them six feet under. Whoopsie daisies, might have went a little overboard there! Whatever happens behind closed doors in a fit of rage is something you will never, ever live down. Your favorite person in the world never trusts you again, your kids are traumatized, et voila, you have planted the seeds of rebellion. Feminism ahoy. And the same problem applies to failing to take care of a woman and your progeny by essentially making them into household indentured servants so you can sip'a'martini and all that other crap; having them work themselves half to death for you via banal household chores or not listening to them while they tell you about things that are quickly becoming serious and potentially lethal problems is also failing to protect them. In fact, the flip side in my experience has also been completely true, where a woman messed up her family dynamic so badly some of them became Chauvinist. So I mean, it's not actually wrong or bad to adhere to gender roles (or to not) in a relationship where all parties are consenting to that, but the real question is if it's healthy long term. And not everyone is capable of adhering to traditional gender roles without flipping their lid, losing their shit, etc; this kind of thing requires serious communication and respect. You really have to look at the relationships in your life and ask yourself, are these working for me, for them, and for us? Is this working at all? Or do I need to change?
I'm sure you're aware that there is no real moral or ethical justification for the "might makes right" philosophy that so characterizes both Feminism and Chauvinism, save for certain religious arguments on both sides.* Yes, Feminism does have religious arguments justifying this if you look at certain kinds of TERF-y Feminist Witchcraft and Goddess Worship (on behalf of my religion, my sincere and humiliated apologies). But were you aware there is less practical justification for "might makes right" than you'd originally think? You could argue that it creates such a big mess of hurt feelings and drama that it results in inefficiency of thought, action and deed, especially when it comes to making it so people fight one another instead of work together. Yes, I understand that "might makes right" is all about survival instinct. Just don't be surprised when you find yourself in the equivalent of a land war in Asia that you could have easily avoided by not being a total piece of shit. Putin and his predecessors who surrounded themselves with yes-men and ruled with iron fists provide all the examples you need. Other dictators from history also provide you with examples. And a strange quirk of modern life is that many cultures seem to enjoy raising male children to idolize this sort of behavior. Frankly, though, if that's what you want to be like, you're not going to find many people who like your personality. And you will soon learn that real love, tenderness and affection are three things that cannot be coerced. You will not be able to regain trust or respect fully once you have lost these things, not without Herculean effort and years of it (and even then it is not guaranteed). Nor will anyone important to you be able to fully trust or respect you, and trust and respect, not fear, are the only solid foundations upon which a relationship is built. (Sorry, Macchiavelli, you were wrong.) Especially from any children you eventually might have, and let me tell you, that's a kind of hurt you never want to experience.
Regarding the usual methods via which people like to feel better about themselves, namely using, abusing, and bullying other people and creatures, one of these methods is using and abusing women. Rolling stone, love 'em and leave 'em, use 'em, etc. You knowww, if you're doing this kind of thing, in order to prevent drama, at least choose women who want the same thing from you, namely sex, and not love and adoration and being absolutely addicted to you. There are several reasons that this works better. 1. You can't really connect with anyone by just boning them, or worse, getting into a relationship but not allowing any vulnerability from yourself. Commitment, sensitivity, etc. if the woman is nagging you for these things and you cannot provide, cut your losses, break up! You aren't ready for any real relationship; just seek sex. Plus you aren't actually going to receive real rewards from any relationship, just a glorified fleshlight. A relationship is like a computer program... garbage in, garbage out; you get what you put into it. No commitment? No real benefit. 2. You're looking outside yourself for solutions that can only be applied from within. You want better self-esteem? You're not going to get it from rolling through a large stack of one-night stands. I mean, people will try, but it doesn't actually work. Plus there's gonorrhea to be concerned about, oh hell no. 3. If you're really interested in doing the former anyway, consider: vasectomy. No one will be able to sue you for child support. 4. Know this: any and all doctrines or belief systems or internal programs running in your brain that require you to use or abuse another person to bolster any flagging self-esteem are all doomed to fail. The only real solutions are within you and you have to find them. All the other shit doesn't work. 5. If you're either unconsciously or consciously deciding to enslave someone you are supposed to be in a close relationship with, without their explicit verbal fully informed consent, you've created a love-hate relationship. That is toxic af. Usually, sooner or later they'll leave you. Or, far worse, you'll wind up in some sort of royally fucked up situation where no one can discuss anything and everything important gets pushed under the rug. Now I don't know about you, maybe you're not even into mild drama, but even if you're extremely daring, adventurous, and a risk taker like me (and I've been called nuts before due to the level of risk I am okay with), even you will get absolutely fed up with the drama in a toxic relationship. 6. There is such a stereotypical thing as the "tradwife" and the "traditional girlfriend" who is meek, submissive, and makes you sandwiches. Okay, perhaps you'll find one like that, but there are two issues a: love is not predictable, so you have no real way of knowing if the woman is like that once you are in a relationship, and b. I would say that the more meek and submissive the woman, the more protection she needs, and she'll need it from YOU. Otherwise, you're actually a discredit to the entire notion of gender roles and chivalry and all that other archaic stuff (that if you want to believe in, I guess you and your lady will figure it out). I don't think you can have sexist gender roles without real chivalry plus consent from all involved parties; it falls apart. Because well, the world doesn't revolve around you, and old-fashioned gender roles actually do not revolve around men being the center of the goddamn universe but going out and dying for the women in battle, or working themselves half to death in the smithy or the fields; you want tradition, that's tradition or the unfairness of it all makes the women revolt (and who can blame 'em). And it sows the seeds of Feminism (misandry), and here we go again, you've just created one big mess and fucked up your life. You want sexist gender roles? You'd better discuss it with the woman beforehand and pull your fucking weight. Also, most women are not okay with this anyway, and no, you can't fool them by pretending you're not into sexism. Lay your beliefs on the line from the get-go and prevent drama later. 7. You underestimate women at your peril. Learn this the easy way or the hard way. 8. If the women don't get you, the karma will. You can't run forever.
10/23/22 feel like this is necessary to add. No matter what gender you are, there might be ingrained sexism of some sort in your cultural background. Do you like the person you are when you treat them as is customary? Honest... I've seen evil done in the name of sexism done in the name of "culture" and "tradition" of various backgrounds. But it's never seen as evil because it's so ingrained in the culture that everyone with the upper hand just takes it for granted and anyone with lesser social status under that system traditionally is supposed to knuckle under and take it. I've seen this done in the name of misogyny (feminine and masculine gender roles) in assorted cultures (honestly most of them have this issue). I've seen this done in the name of misandry (fourth-wave Feminism) in the US. I honestly don't think people even think this through on a conscious level. They just go through the motions and other someone, then when the other side protests, out come the illogical arguments. However I think there's one more reason to end sexism in general and that is overpopulation. I think that when rights for women in particular are eroded we wind up as a species having too many kids to feed. And that's horrible. And when rights for men are eroded (such as in the US where we went overboard and made the court system believe women and not men in terms of say, custody cases) it actually erodes women's rights even more as the victimized men in said society stop taking ALL women seriously. No one wins and no one's happy.
Guess the real question here, for both Chauvinists and Feminists, is how long do you plan on sitting on your laurels for medals you didn't earn but think you deserve by being born "the superior gender"? What evidence do you have that your gender is "superior"? What science is that belief based on? What, exactly, is your definition of "superior"? Articulate it precisely and in great detail so that we (society in general) can inspect your reasoning and methodology (or, I suspect, total lack thereof). And how much of that do you think you can get away with before everyone you know and love flees far, far away? Don't say I didn't warn you.
Now that you have sat through my whole-ass lecture here's, in my opinion, how to get a really good relationship and not fuck it up. Find someone who you'd be best friends with and stay best friends with if you weren't attracted to them, who feels the same way about you. Decide on the exact level of commitment with each other from the get-go and if it's uneven, find someone else; save both of you all that hurt. Overcommunicate throughout; relationships are hard enough without misunderstandings. Don't waste your time on people you don't really, really like personality-wise, and don't waste your time on people who don't feel the same way about you friend-wise. As for the friendzone, that's a whole other mess and I'm not sure how to fully explain it, but it's better to just confess your feelings up front and ask the person out. Asking someone out will never not be cool. On the other hand, being "friends" with someone just to get in their pants or their heart is a sure way to get someone to hate you or at least be skeezed out. I don't recommend it. And if all you want is to get laid then you go trolling at nightclubs and bars where other people are out to get laid and voila, one night stands for you. Trust me, you don't want to hit on anyone anywhere else, it gets ugly (as do I whenever I get hit on in public, dude, calm your tits). There's precious little emotional fallout from that. Just uh. Birth control. You know.
Since basically no men ever seem to understand how glorious periods, oh glorious, ever glorious, actually work, here is a play by play! So you can not piss off some menstruating people and/or avoid unnecessary drama.
If the whole world made a point of being allergic to bullshit instead of being allergic to the truth I think that gender would not be as big of an issue. Then we could focus on things that actually are far more important. Such as switching to renewable energy and automating robotic jobs instead of having humans do the job of a robot, improving infrastructure and improving access to contraceptives.
*(In fact, most of what I've seen is that people just engage with these philosophies because they feel gooooood, and it's pretty obvious most of their adherents want to believe in them but haven't actually used scientifically valid means to study them, because they want an ego boost. Feminism and Chauvinism therefore qualify as religion because they function as a drug of choice, which is what religion really is, but I digress)
9/14/22 I feel like adding some logical explanations to common arguments between women and men. Here goes:
A specific plea to men who take care of children, their own or others, 4/18/23 because it has to be said
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