1/13/23 Some books that can help!
8/29/23 Perfect retort to any homophobe or bigot: "Good to know you have never loved anybody for more than their body or how they match your comfort zone. I bet you don't know how."
5/20/22 what's this nonsense about LGBTQ+ adults "grooming" kids to be part of this community? It's pretty darned obvious as this cookbook from r/tumblr points out (trigger warning!) Google Drive Book of Secret Family Recipes of Kids Betrayed By Homophobic Family that everyone who isn't 100% straight is in for a world of hurt if they aren't already in said world of hurt. Heck, I wouldn't "invite" anyone into this just for the sake of it. You think people are the way they are just for funsies? Maybe you need to get your head checked... Honestly, nine times out of ten when someone younger than 18 mentions they're LGBTQ+, after hearing about their family situation, I usually recommend that they don't come out til they hit 18. It's just not safe in most cases. I'd even say that George Orwell's depiction of a boot smashing down on a human face is the real life version of the umbrella over the kids with the parents that shields them from the rainbow rain. (Don't look up that symbol btw if you haven't already seen it; it's f'd) You wanna know why? Because that is what it undoubtedly feels like and is like for people under the age of 18 who are LGBTQ+ and - wonder of wonders - can't turn it off. So they're the cannon fodder for these supposedly "Christian" family-centered people. That ain't Christian. Christian means the entire human race is your family, not just the people that make you feel good about yourself. (Thanks to my husband for teaching me that, he's Christian)
10/19/22 You might be interested to know that I come from a background that's a bit of a mixed blessing. Where I'm from, sure, you get discriminated against for the usuals - being a minority, being LGBTQ, whatever. But where I'm from it's also not acceptable to be anything other than perfect. And what that really is defined by is "one of us or not one of us." The criteria to determine what "perfect" is actually is so absurdly fluid that if you look closely at what various groups of people define it as, and see how many definitions of "perfect" there are, it'll make you dizzy. In fact a lot of these definitions of "perfect" or "normal" completely contradict each other. Cultures scream at one another, "you are evil and we are perfect," countries do the same, and religion has made virtue signaling into a literal blood sport for probably as long as human beings have existed. I would like to think that basic human decency encompasses this section of the website I wrote and that those things are the absolute rock bottom baseline that our species can mostly agree on, but the truth is that there are a lot of nutballs out there who think their way - however hateful and evil it really is - is better. (I'll leave them to it.) But I'd say nine times out of ten it is really just "one of us or not one of us?" with the tenth being defined due to shared or non-shared mental illness. My point is that there are a million and one justifications for discriminating against someone, of which LGBTQ anything is only one. And all of them are just "one of us or not one of us?" And... the people who believe in that nonsense have never grown up. Some people have, find those.
Okay firstly, don't panic. (3/17/23 ok sorry that's not very realistic now is it, but please understand that there are plenty of people out there who are good people and won't judge you harshly for this or even care.) This is not something that defines your whole personality. I repeat: this is not something that defines your whole personality. Forget the stereotypes, the tropes, the whatever. It is not that big a deal, although it's actually quite fun. What IS a big deal is learning how to have self-respect, and believe me that's not restricted to this community, it's a human struggle. The biggest issues here are the biggest issues with dealing with socialization on the one hand, and yourself on the other, and I can tell you this much. If you square away what's going on with you first and develop the strength to figure out who you truly want to be; to become; or who you already are, the rest becomes much, much easier. You can do it. Here's another take on 'how do I know if I'm gay?' The Angry Therapist
What is gender? What is gender identity? Well, physical gender is what you have to tell your doctor so they can treat you properly. It'll be listed on your birth certificate. Woo hoo, splendid. Gender identity is who you spiritually are. Much like other spiritual things about you, such as your personal convictions, belief system, and interests, this is by far more important than your physical body. A lot of chuds will say otherwise, which says more about them than it does about you and it is mostly your choice whether you'll take them seriously or not.
Said chuds have overrun our legal system and society with a whole bunch of dumb ideas and laws to violate our Constitutional rights in the name of their religion. The only way to stop them is to vote and know your local rights in your area, so please bring yourself up to speed on all that and for the love of all that's holy vote, vote, vote. If you live in a place where it is potentially physically dangerous for you to exist as you, then don't kid yourself; it's probably not safe at all, please get out of there as soon as you can.
Speaking of religion, lots of religions have it in for us. I would like you to seriously think about the nature of an infinitely loving and merciful, yet just, Deity, and use that to logically reason through all of these arguments. Here's a section on religion. Also something you will come to understand (unfortunately): the nature of peer pressure and mob mentality as it relates to LGBTQ+ stuff. That's a not-so-fun part of being in this community; dealing with schmucks.
What pronouns do you use? If you identify as female, then she/her. Identify as male? He/him. As nonbinary? They/them. People WILL fuck up your pronouns, do not get all up in arms when that happens please if it's obvious that it wasn't intentional. Way to alienate allies. It is generally polite to ask for someone's preferred pronouns if you're not sure.
The Confession, aka coming out of the closet You do not have to do this now. You do not have to do this ever. I recommend you only do this if your instincts tell you it is safe. I implore you to do what is safest for you because society absolutely treats us like garbage and a lot of people have been put through too much as a result of being "out." That being said, every time someone comes out of the closet, it makes it easier for the next bunch of people. Thanks to efforts like this, people no longer view us as mentally ill sexual deviants. It is important for you to realize that you will be in serious mortal danger when traveling to some areas and 'out.' Understand that risk. Thanks to that risk, it is never okay to pressure someone to "come out" or reveal their LGBTQ+ status. For those of you who need to 'pass' as a certain gender in order to avoid being discriminated against, I highly suggest putting as many points into that skill tree as possible, mainly because you guys get all the discrimination. I also recommend spending hard-earned cash on it. It's not fucking fair but it is what it is (and please keep your NON BIGOTED doctor informed; they can't treat you properly without knowing your gender history). As for people who are genderqueer or some other variety of nonbinary, we have the same problem but can skate by without effort as whatever gender we were born as, though it isn't exactly good for your mental health. If it makes you feel any better David Bowie and Prince managed it, and if they could genderbend, so can we.
One of the lesser-known perks of coming out of the closet is that counterintuitively a lot of people might start treating you a lot better (while the rest of the world treats you worse but that's the tradeoff). Here's my own experience which is why I'm telling you that. I've always been wayyy more male in my attitude and mindset than female, and everyone's been so programmed to think only males can act like that, therefore, I've been treated horribly for most of my life. I had an epiphany while watching 10 Things I Hate About You. Heath Ledger's character behaved exactly how I did when I was younger, (okay, my friends say I was a lot nicer) but instead of being avoided like that character, or having other reckless male friends like that character, or being passed off as an oddball like that character, people were perpetually beating me into place because that kind of attitude is so unacceptable in women. Sometimes literally, most of the time through using the systems developed to keep 'underlings' in their place like workplace politics. And all the guys I ever talked to were convinced I was either into them or shitty friend material because I'm physically female. I developed PTSD as a result. It made me realize, damn, if I'd been able to 'pass' as a man or at least dress genderqueer, people would have thought twice. Particularly the people I dated who just didn't "get it" no matter how much I tried to hammer it into their thick skulls. Also I was often mistreated greatly by Feminists who found my behavior "abominable" for a woman aka they didn't like how much like a guy I acted (yeah, okay) - not even a mean guy or an abusive person or someone doing anything wrong but being too courageous, outspoken, bold, truthful, get-things-done-instead-of-complain. Consider... this seems to be the conflict of an individual versus societal norms and expectations, which so often is just a pecking order bullying scenario similar to Mean Girls. Not a unique situation really. So yes, you could consider this my run-in with sexism and demonize chauvinism in both men and women, and gender roles. But I came to realize that the dehumanizing aspect had everything to do with not consciously knowing my truth or defending not knowing my truth - which at the time was that I didn't know what I identified as, but being "just female" sure was uncomfortable and not my personal truth. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And Chauvinists and other flavors of -ist are there to be ignored. It would have been easier to say either "Hey, I'm a strong woman and you can't boss me around," or "Hey, I'm transgender and a man spiritually and you can't boss me around." But to say "I am something I don't even understand myself and you can't boss me around" well, you know what? It would have been harder than saying I had a label attached that people could easily understand. But I wish I'd done that. Labels or not, it would have been honest. And not knowing everything about yourself isn't seen as appropriate but you know, that's nothing to be ashamed of. But I can't sugarcoat this - you really can't do this in a lot of places, and I mostly kept my mouth shut growing up out of a self-preservation instinct. Times are changing but damn it, they haven't changed enough, and I am sorry.
Dealing With Closely Related Bigots and Bigoted Coworkers The best thing to do is to avoid as much as possible. Put as much distance between you and the idiots as you can because for most of them, I'm sorry, but you can't change them. If you can't avoid them, then at least do everything you can to ensure you are not reliant on them in any way. Have your own job, have your own house, your own life, friends, hobbies. If you're dealing with bigots in the workplace, don't have them do anything for you if you can help it, but do your own work and do a damned good job at it. Generally speaking though you can't really be "half out" of the closet; tis either out or in. So be sure your boss knows your status when you get hired if you're out of the closet, because you don't want them to find out from some brown-noser with a vendetta. Lots of people will cluelessly advise someone who's being harassed by family members about being LGBTQ+ to stick to family because "family is family," and that has actually killed people before so don't listen to that nonsense. Independence from bigoted or callous family is scary but you can do it, and many have. There are lots of Friendsgivings and potlucks in the LGBTQ+ community and honestly, we're pretty tight knit. Friends are the family you choose. In difficult situations, seek out whatever LGBTQ+ community or community center is in your location and ask for advice, and be sure to hang out when you can. We've seen a lot; many of us can help you.
The PR Problem Unfortunately, one reason why this community used to have a PR problem is because some happy and overly-exuberant LGBTQ+ folks decided to give homophobes the big ol' "fuck you" with various Pride events and ratchet up their personal flamboyance to 11. It uh, created a bit of a stereotype, which happily is now going away among younger generations. That said, older generations still often misunderstand the whole thing. Older generations come in generally two varieties here: 1. basically good people who really don't get it and require abundant, carefully crafted explanations to avoid misunderstanding, and 2. insufferable edgelord bigoted Karens/Boomers. You likely already know what type you'll be dealing with so don't kid yourself and do not waste your time with type 2.
In The LGBTQ Community Wow, things have changed so much since back in the day. First you should know that there was basically no toxicity in this particular culture as recently as ten years ago. Straight people who liked us were allies, no questions asked, just gratitude. The fights we fought were big ones; the small stuff didn't matter. Solidarity was the name of the game because ya know, everyone was calling us evil and trying to kill us and trying to force us to become square pegs in round holes. There was no knowledge outside the LGBTQ+ community that we were much more than just people who liked the same gender or whatever, and Bible-thumpers were ahem, always up our collective ass. The thing that always shocked newcomers and allies was just how diverse the scene really was, and it still is just that diverse. The ethos was always (back in the day) let's get equal rights for us as human beings. Now there's such a thing as cancel culture and social justice warriors trying to claim more than our fair share of social benefits and it is just so much pointless posturing. So do try your best to ignore the jerks trying to taint the movement with their greed. There's still the same heartbeat of individuality and bighearted solidarity in the LGBTQ+ community, but it's a little tougher to find. So, what's this community actually like? Well, it's generally less toxic and more diverse by far than the rest of the population. There is a shocking amount of unconditional love and acceptance in this community too. Openmindedness, new ideas, freedom of thought, genuine tolerance of differences and all that. Growing up in an area populated by fundies and then visiting an LGBTQ+ organization or hangout is like visiting a different country. You might experience some culture shock but in a good way.
Sexuality This is indeed different. ***2/15/23 Realized I didn't make this clear and for that I apologize: you do not need to do any sort of sexual act to be considered "For real" gay, lesbian, or anything. If anything makes you uncomfortable, or if you don't want to do anything sexually, that's YOUR RIGHT. There are plenty of people out there who are asexual as well as LGBTQ+, as in, they have the orientation to be romantically attracted to folks of the same gender (or whatever) but have absolutely no desire to do the sex. And there are plenty of people who are LGBTQ+ who are only comfortable with certain kinds of the sex. In fact it differs wildly from person to person so communicate first and be sure to get explicit verbal enthusiastic consent to everything, always. There's actually a lot more this topic than what I wrote here, but I added this specific information because you can't find it basically anywhere else*** For physical men, condoms and lube are key with anal sex. Anal sex is not like vaginal sex and can hurt a lot if you do not approach it correctly. You start with relaxing the recipient, then insert a well-lubed hygienic finger, and then gradually larger lubed objects over a period of several days or weeks; you don't just ram a penis in there and hope it works out (ouch!). For oral sex, still, condoms. For physical women, dental dams. If anyone of any gender is sharing a sex toy for any reason, wash it according to package directions or directions on Dangerous Lilly's website, and use a condom with it if it is used well, like a dick. Replace the condom after every use (this goes for everyone of every sexual orientation using phallic sex toys by the way). For everyone, know your status for STDs and get tested regularly. And as always, trust, communication, and consent are crucial. Unique to the LGBTQ+ set however is a potential sense of shame that feels unique to us thanks to religious indoctrination and peer pressure to think that any sexual activity that isn't 100% cisgender and straight is somehow bad or whatever. Considering that anyone can feel shame over sex for any reason, this isn't actually unique at all, and it helps to know that. It might however be worthwhile to talk out any potential issues or hangups related to this with your partner before you do anything sexual, while you do it, and after you do it. If you can't open up about this despite some minor-to-serious worry, then you should really be questioning why you're getting it on in the first place as that could indicate you have some issues to work through. Again, communication is important; not being able to communicate well with someone you are literally about to allow to cross many boundaries you would normally have is a sign of mental distress or another problem. I'd say it's likely the biggest problem an LGBTQ+ person might have with sexuality is fragility; more mashed-up and mangled bits in the brain that go "oh no!" and more trauma than someone cisgender/straight who was never bullied for their identity. If by chance you're in a relationship with someone or intend to get with someone LGBTQ+, keep this in mind and please be very patient and understanding.
Marriage and Kids Naturally, and I say naturally because other species of animals do have gay and lesbian individuals which raise orphaned younguns and which enter relationships with the same sex, this should work out the same as heterosexual marriage. Legally, however, it varies from state to state. And physically for having kids the options involve adoption, surrogacy, and in vitro fertilization. People who don't like it can quite simply move to Vatican City or Saudi Arabia where there is such a thing as a state religion. People who would rather stay here should read the Constitution again, sit down and shut up.
Events to Attend Have you ever been to Pride? Boy I hope so, because it's pretty awesome. There are LGBTQ+ community centers as well, and also clubs in most schools and universities. Often times, many coffee shops and other small hangouts will have a Pride sticker on their window. These can be a picture of a rainbow Pride flag or an equals sign, and this means that the LGBTQ+ community is welcome there. Those symbols are a magnet for this community and indicate a great hangout with open-minded people as well. Lots of fun to be had.
Deprogramming Society's messages about the LGBTQ+ community are often far from kind. I remember even when I was growing up, when attitudes were relaxed-ish, the closest I got to understanding my own attitudes was... Ranma 1/2. My gay friends growing up were really into RENT and Avenue Q, which drove me absolutely batty with the tropes about 'the gay guy dies of AIDS' and 'it's all about sex.' There wasn't a word for genderqueer! If there was, I hadn't heard it. So if you think you might still be harboring some incorrect attitudes to this stuff despite knowing there's no good reason for it, then it's good to find some legitimate stuff written about the community. I've really been digging Cherry Magic! 30 Years of Virginity Makes You A Wizard? lately, and George Takei writes a lot of interesting stuff. Yes, Sulu from Star Trek: TNG. Jeffrey Marsh is on Twitter, @thejeffreymarsh, and they are the parent of the internet more or less, wholesome to the max. And of course, most of my friends are in this community as well so we just kind of exist. We don't even really talk about being LGBTQ+ much; we just accept one another. Find you some LGBTQ+ people and make some friends, I highly recommend it. We as a community don't need to listen to t.a.t.u. with a lonely heart and watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show in solitude as our only exposure to LGBTQ+ stuff anymore, there's media, there are people, there's life out there. You don't need to content yourself with shitty people who fold at the first sign of queerness, besides, that kind of person is a horribly shallow kind of person and would make a terrible friend anyway even if you were straight.
Understanding The Hypocrisy There are far worse things than being LGBTQ+ even if you buy into the social and religious stigma (which you shouldn't, but I'm presenting an argument here), most of which are done with alarming frequency by people who condemn this community. Usually the more vocal the homophobe the worse the person and the darker the secrets. This is a nearly universal experience among members of this community, so much so that it's actually a trope. Be very suspicious of vocal homophobes and stay away from them. It usually indicates that this is not a safe person to be around whether you're LGBTQ+ or not.
Presenting As LGBTQ+ Decided to be out of the closet? Want to show off? Then go you. Rainbows are a universal statement of LGBTQ+ pride, and flying the Pride flag at your residence is a big way of declaring to the world that you are proud of who you are. You also give voice to the voiceless who can't be out of the closet. Presenting as your true identity is also a big way of stepping into a brave and bold way of living, and by doing so you forge a path for the LGBTQ+ folks younger than you who would otherwise be discriminated against. Other than that there's nothing to it. You look the way you look, act and feel like you, and there's no real reason to talk about your gender orientation or identity most of the time unless you really have a lot of bigots living near you (in which case, I'm sorry). People don't just strut into the local pizzeria and shout at the top of their lungs, "I'M GAY!!!" like Idubbz. Ok I just felt like making that joke, no real reason for saying that. Best of luck.
All text, not links or images, nor recommended books, is © 2022 TortillaTortilla